We got a fish yesterday.
This is Ponyo.
We adopted Ponyo into our family because, unlike our landlords, my wife and I are both what you would call “animal people.” Actually, unlike A and D, we’re cat people, but when you’re renting you take what you can get. And we could get a fish. So we did.
I thought I’d be relatively disinterested in a fish – after all, fish are slimy and aren’t very talkative – but it turns out that marriage has fostered within me all sorts of ancient and mysterious impulses and among them is the impulse to raise a child. Of course, a fish is nothing at all like a real live wake-you-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-and-spit-up-on-your-flannel-pajamas child, but again: you take what you can get, and we could get a fish. And so, for better or for worse, we’ve pretty much adopted this little goldfish into our family and with it all of the stereotypical expressions of parenthood.
Take, for example, the picture above. My wife snapped that photo earlier this afternoon, all the while cooing at how cute our fish looks and wanting to capture her from an angle that correctly represented her unique shape and markings. When I went to select a good introductory photo, I was pleased to find that over a dozen pictures had already been taken, each featuring different perspectives, distinct lighting, and appropriate framing. While it was convenient for me that such pictures existed, a dark suspicion looms in my mind that they’re actually going to be compiled into some sort of baby calendar sometime during the next month.
In stark contrast to the above, consider the following picture, which I took not long before I started composing this post:
You’ll note the inferior lighting, blurry caudal fin, and peculiar orientation of our fish. That is because after some amount of reading, I have become convinced that Ponyo is suffering from constipation and as a result is having difficulty regulating her swim bladder. The behavior being exhibited in the picture above is called “nose standing,” and is indicative of internal problems due to trauma, overfeeding, or poor diet. I have subsequently prescribed a day of fasting and then a strict diet of de-shelled frozen peas, which serve as a laxative and should clear out any blockages in the intestinal tract.
Of course, this swim bladder issue has been something of a mania for me all day. I know more about goldfish – their history and status in various Chinese dynasties, the varietals found almost exclusively in Japan, common ailments and courses of treatment – than I ever really wanted to know.
But I guess I’m that dad. The dad that reads obsessively, goes grey after the first month of collecting stool samples and plotting their pH levels, and ultimately overconditions his poor child. And I hadn’t even realized it until, after hours of study and relating various findings to my wife, she looked at me and said:
“When we have our first child, you’re going to go crazy.”